BY YOUR COMMAND - Static ARCHIVE

He looked over at that one person and smiled with just his eyes. It was a trick he'd perfected over the yahrens, smiling without really *smiling* at times when such a simple movement of the lips would have been considered inappropriate.

Apollo saw the smile meant for him alone though and his own eyes warmed. He moved his hand just slightly so he could grasp the hand that he knew would be there. It was instinct. In the great crowd of mourners, no one noticed that the two men held on to each other physically. Starbuck knew Apollo needed the physical contact. So many others would be holding on to each other before the ceremony was through, caught up in the emotion of remembering.

Starbuck supposed it was important, remembering the people and things they'd lost, the ones they'd been forced to leave behind. They didn't really matter to him though. The one person who still mattered was beside him and loved him, even though their love was a secret. Most people assumed that Starbuck didn't know the true meaning of the word "love" because he'd used it so frequently with his "conquest of the day". Maybe that *had* been true, once, but then he'd seen Apollo. Really seen him for the first time, although they'd known each other for half their lives. He knew then what he'd been looking for. He'd discovered quality instead of quantity.

The first time he'd realized it was when Apollo had been killed by Count Iblis. Diabolis, Apollo had called him. Didn't matter to Starbuck what his name was; he'd killed Apollo. Starbuck had thought his own heart would stop beating as he knelt over his best friend. He'd drawn his own weapon to use on Iblis, shouting out, "You killed him!"

He couldn't remember what had prevented him from killing Iblis or what had prevented Iblis from killing him. It was all he wanted: to die with 'Pol. 'Pol was dead and nothing else mattered. He'd have given his life to save Apollo. He'd said it and he meant it. What was his life worth without Apollo? Who was Starbuck without Apollo? Just some pretty face with no substance. Apollo gave his life meaning, depth.

It had always been that way. Starbuck was the orphan child nobody wanted. He pretended it didn't matter, but it did. It always rankled that some kids had parents and knew they were wanted, while he lived in an orphanage with no one who gave a frak that he was even there. He'd learned very early on in life that he had to make himself stand out somehow, make himself noticed. His pretty face had helped a lot there. He'd learned how to use it to make people do what he wanted, to get the attention he craved.

And then he'd met Apollo. Apollo had everything Starbuck wanted: two rich parents, siblings, a beautiful home with all the latest toys. But none of that really mattered to him. He, in turn, was looking for a way to break out of the mold of conformity he'd been bred to. And he found the way to break the mold in his new friend. Together they'd broken a lot of rules, gotten into trouble, forged a bond that would last a lifetime. Through him, Starbuck had a kind of family. Apollo's mother, Siress Ila, always treated Starbuck like another son. He was frequently there at mealtimes so she just set another place at the table and fussed at him to wash his hands and face before sitting down to eat. Even during the long breaks from school, when he had no excuse, like a school project he needed help on or something they were working on together, he was there nearly every day.

A woman down the aisle from them burst into tears, drawing Starbuck's mind back to the present. He squeezed the hand that he still held and felt a strong squeeze in return. That was good; the stronger the squeeze, the more in control of himself Apollo felt. It hadn't hit him yet then. Starbuck tuned out what the priests were saying again.

The Academy had been a good place for both of them. They'd both matured quite a bit, preparing themselves for their future roles as officers and warriors. Their studies cut down their free time, but they still managed to spend enough time together that their names had been inextricably linked together. At the time of the Destruction, they still held a record in Triad as the most successful team ever, and they'd both set a few flying records. Of course, Starbuck had also come close to setting a few records for the most disciplinary infractions. He had to stifle a smile as he remembered some of his shenanigans. Apollo was seldom involved in the worse episodes. He seemed to have less of a need to break out of the familial mold once they got to the Academy, although there were a few times ... Starbuck had to stop that particular train of thought before he started laughing out loud in the middle of the most solemn ritual left over from the ancient Lords of Kobol.

Apollo squeezed his hand in a silent question. He squeezed back and gave him the eye smile again. Reassured, the Captain returned his attention to the ceremony.

When they'd graduated and been given their first assignments, they'd been separated, stuck on different ships. Starbuck felt like he'd been cut off from his support system. But he turned on the big smile and people seemed to accept him. He still felt alone, but, with people around, he could bear the loneliness. Once in a while they managed to get leave at the same time, close enough to each other that they could spend some time together. Starbuck lived for those times, even then. When they were together, it was like nothing had changed; they were still best friends, brothers even. But then they had to return to their respective ships, leaving Starbuck alone once again. He'd had a string of women, most of whom were pretty unmemorable. Even he couldn't remember a lot of their names, although they had all sworn undying devotion. A few still lingered in his memory, bringing a smile to his face sometimes, but they were nothing in comparison to what he had with Apollo.

They were finally transferred to the same ship. They'd greeted each other enthusiastically and promptly wiped up the floor with anyone foolish enough to challenge them to a game of Triad. After all that time, they could still communicate with a look, an expression, just enough to have an edge over their opponents.

And then the Destruction. When Apollo had come back from seeing what was left of Caprica, he hadn't been able to say a word; he went straight to his quarters. Starbuck brought a bottle of ambrosa and the two of them drank the golden liqueur in silence. They didn't need words. Starbuck didn't get the chance to see it for himself. He figured he probably wouldn't have been as affected as Apollo was if he had seen it, because he was less sensitive about things like that, but the look of utter devastation on Apollo's face had made him hurt inside. He should've realized then that the bond between them was more than mere friendship.

After that, he made sure he was available for his friend whenever he needed someone. They played Triad, they played Pyramid, they went to the Rising Star; whatever Apollo needed, Starbuck was there to give. He viewed it as his duty as a friend. Careless as he could be sometimes, Starbuck took his friendship with Apollo very seriously, especially after the Captain met Serina. When Apollo had announced his engagement to the lovely reporter, Starbuck had felt a strong pang in his chest. He'd smiled and congratulated them, but he'd been horribly jealous that Apollo could want to spend time with someone else after everything they'd been through together.

Then Serina had died. Once again Starbuck had appeared at Apollo's door with a bottle of ambrosa. This time Apollo was able to talk about it some. They'd spent the night getting good and drunk. Having Boxey around had helped Apollo too. The kid gave him something to focus on, a way to hold himself together. Starbuck himself had grown very close to Cassiopeia about the same time so he had less free time than before, but he still had time for Apollo. Cassie herself had noticed that her chief rival didn't really seem to be Athena, but Apollo. That had been the ultimate reason for their breakup - her jealousy of Apollo. And she'd been right; Starbuck had to give her credit for that. He didn't recognize it at the time but the seed had definitely been planted by the blonde med tech.

When they'd returned from the Ship of Light, it was Apollo's turn to show up with a bottle of ambrosa. Since Starbuck lived in the BOQ, Apollo had called him to his quarters and surprised him with the golden liqueur. The Captain had just let his friend talk, without judging him. As Starbuck finally worked out his feelings, Apollo considered his own. So many times he'd feared Starbuck was dead ... always tremendous joy at his return. They'd decided to love each other, but quietly. Starbuck was a junior officer, under Apollo's command, in his own squadron even - definitely a no-no. Not to mention the whole same sex aspect. That wouldn't have gone over well with Apollo's tradition-minded father. And Starbuck didn't even want to consider Athena's reaction! If she ever found out ...! Starbuck still remembered the burns he'd gotten from the steam purge when she'd seen him and Cassiopeia together. Finding out that he'd been sleeping with her brother would have been infinitely worse.

As the ceremony wound down, Starbuck considered the people, places and things he'd loved throughout his life. They all paled in comparison when he thought about his love for Apollo. They still meant something to him, but they would never again be as important to him as they had been before. The thought of spending the rest of his life loving Apollo, even if they had to keep it secret for all that time, made him tremble in gratitude, at whatever deity had seen fit to put the two of them together.

When Apollo felt Starbuck's hand tremble, he looked over at his lover. The blond's eyes were uncharacteristically full of tears. In all the yahrens that they'd known each other, he didn't think he'd ever seen Starbuck that emotional. He squeezed the hand he still held gently. No response. A little worried, he squeezed again. This time Starbuck squeezed back. Since everyone there was holding on to someone else as emotion overtook them, Apollo took the opportunity to pull the other man into a hug.

"Are you okay, love?" he whispered.

"Yeah, just glad I have you."

"And you always will, Bucko. I love you."